What We Offer
A little boy was having a very hard time adjusting to his new baby brother in the household. When he was told that he had to be quiet because the baby was asleep, the boy responded in all seriousness: “Well, the rest of you better be quiet, because my foot’s asleep!”
During a particularly violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small child into bed when the boy stopped her from turning off the bedroom light. “Mommy, will you sleep in my bed tonight?” he asked, voice trembling. His mother smiled and said “I’m sorry, sweetie, but I have to sleep in Daddy’s bed.” The boy was silent for awhile before uttering: “Daddy’s a big sissy.”
A woman’s granddaughter had been learning her colors, so she decided that it would be fun to test her knowledge. After repeatedly asking her granddaughter what each color was and receiving correct answers, the grandmother was about to walk out of the room when her granddaughter huffily said: “You know, Grandma, you should try figuring these out for yourself once in awhile!”
After tucking her children into bed, a mother changed out of her daytime clothing and jumped in to a nice relaxing shower. However, her shower ended quickly, as she could hear her children begin to wrestle and call each other names. By the time she had stepped out of the shower and wrapped her body and hair in some towels, the children had become quite rambunctious. Annoyed, the mother flung open the door to the bedroom and demanded that her children go to bed. As she was walking down the hall, she heard her daughter turn to her sibling and say: “Who was that?”
One day, a man was driving his daughter home after school when he accidently pressed his car horn. Embarrassed, the father admitted to his daughter that he had done it by accident. “I know, Daddy” she replied. Curious, the father asked: “How do you know?” He could barely hold in his laughter when his daughter innocently replied: “Because you didn’t yell JERK afterwards.”
A new neighbor asked his next-door neighbor’s three-year-old daughter if she had any siblings. “No,” the little girl replied. “I’m the lonely child.”
If Men Were to Rewrite “The Rules”
Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2 If you don’t want to dress like Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4 It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5 Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6 Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
Rule # 7 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – Not both.
Rule # 8 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 9 Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 10 Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
Rule # 11 When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.
Rule # 12 Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. — Henny Youngman
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. — Ann Bancroft (married to Mel Brooks)
Any husband who says. “My wife and I are completely equal partners,” is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. — Bill Cosby
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. — Rita Rudner
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. — Benjamin Franklin
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. — Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. — Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. — George Burns
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. — Cindy Garner
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking. — Elaine Boosler
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. — Phyllis Diller
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. — Rita Rudner
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. — Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
– Erma Bombeck
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
HE SAID: Q: Why are brides dressed in white? A: So they match the rest of the appliances.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring wedding ring suffering
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the “y” becomes silent.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
A husband said to his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.”
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, “OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.”
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, the house wouldn’t be here!” The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money, I wouldn’t be here.”
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!”
This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife “Pass the sugar, Honey.” and “Pass the honey, Sugar.” He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So, in the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast, he says to his wife, “Pass the bacon, Pig.”
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!
You can fool some of the people all of the time. They’re called “men”.
The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he’ll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
Marriage is grand — and divorce is about 10 grand.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Love is blind .. Marriage is an institution for the blind.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
Questions about love, marriage and sex were posed to kids ages 5 to 10. Their answers below are enlightening:
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?? “Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.” (Judy, 8)
“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife!” (Tom, 5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??
“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” (Mike, 10)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??
“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” (Jim, 10)
“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” (Kally, 9)
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??
“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!” (Lynette, 9)
“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” (Kenny, 7)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” (Jan, 9)
“I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.” (Harlen, 8)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
“Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” (Roger, 9)
“If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.” (Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
“If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.” (Jeanne, 8)
“It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.” (Gary, 7)
“Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.” (Christine, 9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them.” (Dave, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
“I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘The Simpsons’ is on television.” (Anita, 6)
“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” (Bobby, 8)
“I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.” (Regina, 10)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER
“One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.” (Ava, 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
“Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” (Del, 6)
“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” (Alonzo, 9)
“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.” (Bart, 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
“Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.” (John, 9)
“Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food.” (Brad, 8)
“It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are…on fire.” (Christine, 9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY “I LOVE YOU”
“The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.” (Michelle, 9)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
“You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.” (Doug, 7)
“It might help to watch soap operas all day.” (Carin, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
“It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you…That’s why I stopped doing it.” (Jean, 10)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
“Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.” (Tom, 7)
“Don’t forget your wife’s name…That will mess up the love.” (Roger, 8)
“Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.” (Randy, 8)